


We're Just Friends

by thebutterflycatcher



Category: Caspar Lee - Fandom, Caspar Lee/Joe Sugg - Fandom, Jaspar (YouTube), Jaspar - Fandom, Joe Sugg - Fandom
Genre: Angst, At least that's what they think, Cuddling, Friends to Lovers, I don't know why I wrote this in first person lol sorry, Joe is jealous, M/M, Maybe some Friends With Benefits at the begining, My First Work in This Fandom, POV First Person, Promise, There just friends, Unrequited Love, but only at the begining, caspar struggles with his sexuality, joe gives random lovebites, there both kind of oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-04-04 03:59:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4124845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebutterflycatcher/pseuds/thebutterflycatcher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Caspar finds himself wondering if maybe Joe and him are more than just friends because "friends just sleep in another bed."</p><p>Based off the song Friend by Ed Sheeran and starring Jaspar (Youtube).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cuddles

"Caspar," a loud voice yelled, the noise drifting into my bedroom. I groaned and rolled over sinking further into my bed and dragging my pillow over my head.

"Bloody hell, Caspar," I heard Joe yell before the clanging of pots echoed in our small flat mingling with the sound of running water coming from the kitchen. I could hear the water shut off before footsteps shuffled down the hallway towards my room, pausing at my door, before knocking loudly.

“Caspar,” Joe growled before shoving the door open causing it to collide with the wall behind. It was quiet for a moment before I felt Joe jump on top of me, flopping down across my body, feather light due to his size. He wiggled around a bit, his small frame causing knobby knees and bony elbows to dig into my skin as he moved.

“Caspar,” he groaned, tugging the pillow away from my head, my blue eyes opening to blink at him in annoyance.

“Yes, Joe?” I said finally, my voice deep and thick from sleeping.

“The flat it a mess. Oli and Marcus will be here in an hour, and it looks bloody awful,” Joe moaned.

“Hmm…” I mumbled lazily at him, still not fully awake.

“Well…are you going to help me?” Joe asked.

“Probably not,” I replied shifting so he fell beside me on the bed.

“Caspar, you are the worst roommate/best friend I’ve ever had,” Joe grumbled, but he didn’t move to get off the bed.

“I’m the only one you’ve ever had,” I responded back sleepily rubbing my eyes.

“Please get up,” Joe whined next to my ear, poking my face and causing me to wrinkle my nose in discontent.

“Shh…sleep then clean,” I mumbled back, already falling back to sleep with Joe’s warm body pressed up against my own.

“I hate you,” Joe said, but I could feel him relaxing into the bed next to me, shuffling around to get comfortable.

“Uh huh, sure you do,” I whispered and then I was asleep again.

———

When I woke up again it was due to two loud voices in our flat and a clanging door.

“Leavin’ the blasted door open,” A voice I recognized as Oli’s said.

“It’s like they want to be robbed or something,” The other one responded as I heard him collide with something on the ground, probably a football or a tv remote.

“Where is everyone?” Oli said and I heard his voice get louder as he approached the bedroom. I kept my eyes shut, not wanting to wake up and disrupt Joe who was sleeping peacefully next to me, one hand clenching the fabric of my shirt and snoring quietly against my chest. 

“I found them,” Marcus said and I snapped my eyes open to stare at them, vlogging cameras in hand. Oli was leaning lazily against the door frame next to him as he raised his eyebrows, scanning Joe and I’s position on the bed.

“What time is it?” I asked, shifting out of Joe’s grasp and sitting up. Joe mumbled something incoherent in his sleep before moving slightly.

“11:30 mate, how long have you two been asleep?” Marcus asked looking behind me at Joe.

“Shit,” I groaned. “Joe came in here to wake me up and help him clean the flat,” I said getting and stretching before moving into the bathroom.

“Do you always cuddle?” Oli questioned and I could hear the teasing lilt in his voice as I turned to chuck a towel at his head.

“Shall we go to lunch then?” Marcus asked, changing the topic away from the sleeping boy in my bed.

“Yeah,” I grinned, nodding at him in agreement.

“Joe, get up,” I yelled tossing a pillow at Joe’s head. Joe’s eyes snapped open as he sat up in bed. His eyes met Oli and Marcus’s and widened comically.

“Bloody hell, Caspar, we were suppose to clean!” He screeched, turning to glare at me. I grinned back at him.

“Yeah, well we’re going to lunch instead,” I said before following Oli and Marcus out of the room, Joe grumbling behind us.

I watched Marcus turn off his vlogging camera and frowned slightly, turning to see if Joe had noticed they had both been recording. I really hope he hadn’t noticed. Joe always got weird when the viewers discussed our relationship in a romantic light, as if we were more than just friends. It never bothered me.

I mean we’re just friends. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.


	2. I'm not jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar's not jealous, he's not, he just doesn't like the bloody waitress, or at least that's what he tells himself.

We ended up at Dawnson's a restaurant down the street from our flat. I liked the restaurant it was quaint and brightly colored with bright red and blue booths and large windows that looked out at the London streets. 

Oli and Joe were in a deep conversation about attending Coachella in a month. I looked away from Joe and met Marcus’s eyes who staring at me again with a knowing smirk on his face.

“What?” I asked exasperated with him. They had literally been here less than an hour and Marcus had his thinking face on.

“Nothing,” Marcus said, raising his eyebrows innocently. I rolled my eyes at him. Nothing my ass.

“Your ridiculous,” I stated with a laugh. Marcus stuck his tongue out at me childishly in response.

I saw Joe turn to look at us in confusion, pausing his conversation with Oli to butt into our conversation.

“What are you talking about?” He asked curiously, nudging the worn red beanie back up his forehead and messing with his fringe. I smiled as I watched him, he was still wearing the beanie I’d given him for his birthday two years ago. 

At the time I thought it was an uncreative gift, but Joe seemed to like. Enough that he dragged it around with him all the time.

“Oli’s bullying me,” I said jokingly, leaning back in the booth, colliding with an arm. I glanced up and noticed it was Joe’s awkwardly bony one slung over the back of the booth. I sunk it to it, relaxing against him, as he pulled me against him subconsciously. 

I liked how easy it was. When Joe’s mind wasn’t overthinking every word and touch that passed between us. When he was happy and relaxed and calm. When I could lean into him or hug him without a second look or thought.

It was nice. Especially considering the tension between us the past two months thanks to Tyler who made a joke about us dating in one of his Blogs that apparently everyone overreacted to. 

To the point that Joe and I stopped making videos together for a few weeks just because Joe hated the rumors so much.

 

“Are you ready to order?” A girl clutching a notepad in one hand asked as she approached the table. I blinked up at her. She was pretty, waist length blonde hair and blue eyes. When she smiled at us, her lips moved revealing a set of crystal white teeth. 

She was very pretty. I wouldn’t deny that. I just wasn’t attracted to her. It was weird. It kept happening.

When I was younger I just figured that someday I’d grow into it. I’d stop being awkward and then I meet a girl I’d fancy. I liked girls, don’t get me wrong.  
They’re fun to hang out with, and I have a ton of friends that are girls. I’m just not interested in dating any of them at the moment.

I definitely like girls though. I just need the right one to come along. I know the boys began to question it when I never hooked up with anyone when we were clubbing or on vacation. I couldn’t help it though.

I did date though, don’t get me wrong. Just my dating was more of let’s hang and kiss, I guess, because that’s what couples do. It was nice, it was fine, it was just boring. Maybe that was the problem, I did like them, I just didn’t like them like that or something.

I don’t know what was wrong with me. I sighed quietly as I placed my order. Watching the waitress give up on me as she received only confused blank stares as she fluttered her eye lashes at me.

Why do girls do that? It looked like her eye was having a seizure. Maybe she was having a seizure. That wouldn’t be good. 

I glanced back up and realized Joe had his smirk plastered on his face, the one he used to get girls. I shrunk away from him slightly as the waitress let out a laugh as Joe made a joke about food.

That wasn’t very creative. Why was she laughing so much? I glanced over at Marcus and Oli, but they didn’t seem to care much. Marcus was on his phone, probably with Tanya, and Oli was reviewing footage and tinkering with his camera a slight frown on his face.

When she finally turned to walk away I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t know why but I felt slightly angry. Watching the way Joe’s eyes lit up happily as he exchanged numbers with her. He didn’t even know her.

Joe turned back to me, raising his eyebrows at my position before reaching to pull me closer to him. I let myself be tugged back to him as he smiled at me. I uncrossed my arms, but their was still a deep unsettling feeling in my stomach. Like I was jealous or something. But that’s ridiculous because it’s Joe. I don’t have feelings for Joe. I don’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you wished, another chapter :) Hope you enjoy! And let me know if you guys want anything specific to happen? I'm kind of just rolling with the story with only a tiny bit of a plan so we'll see !


	3. Ok, I might be a little jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar doesn't understand his new feelings for Joe.

Oli and Marcus were being ridiculous. Every time I merely glanced at Joe one of them would raise their eyebrows obnoxiously and waggle them around or make some comment about it. Joe was oblivious which wasn’t surprising.

I was quiet during dinner, picking at my spaghetti and faking interest in the conversations occurring around our small table. Joe was lively and excited bouncing in his seat like a small child at the mention of California.

I was slowly trying to distance myself from Joe, scooting a few inches away from him, until his arm dropped from my shoulder. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted, even though Joe’s arm was usually a light weight, comforting and sturdy, something that made me feel tethered when the crowds were getting too hectic or something bad happened.

Today it felt like a lead weight, weighing me down crushing me completely. I didn’t like the angry bubbly feeling I got when I was pressed straight up against his body as he laughed with the waitress, who by the way, checked on us way more that any of her other customers.

Which frankly, is rude, to the other customers. Her entire attention was focused solely on Joe. When we finally left the restaurant, I practically sprinted from the table, breathing in the afternoon air with a sigh of relief as I waited for Joe and the others to come outside.

When they finally appeared Joe turned to the others,

“Are we heading back to the flat?” 

“Yeah, sounds good,” Oli said with a laugh as he twirled his camera around his wrist.

“You’re going to drop that,” Marcus remarked as he watched Oli.

“Not likely,” Oli said again, dropping his other arm lazily around Joe’s neck as we started to make our way back to the flat. I trailed behind them into the flat, flopping lazily into the bean bag chair in front of the television, avoiding my usual spot on the couch curled up next to Joe.

I played with my phone in my hand, flipping through emails about random things and responding to text messages. I eyed a curious text from my Zoe but ignored it flipping to the next one. Only pausing when my phone rang. Mom.

“Hello,” I said an involuntary smile spreading on my face as my mom spoke.

“Hi Casp,” My mom replied, “How are you?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I replied, giving her the simplest answer to hopefully avoid further questioning.

“Really? So if you’re fine why haven’t you been phoning your mother?” She asked and I could hear a teasing lilt in her voice through the phone.

“I’ve been busy, Mum,” I said, looking up and glancing at the other three who were busy with the game on the tv.

I got up moving towards my room as my mom continued on about Theodora’s new boyfriend or something. I tuned out for a moment as my mom rambled on, listening instead to the screams of the other boys as they attempted to kill each other through the tv screen.

“Caspar, are you even listening to me?” My mom asked.

“Hmmm, yeah, mum, sorry just a bit distracted,” I said. I felt bad, but its just I was distracted. By life, pretty much.

“Well Zoe said that you were going to visit her and Alfie in a few weeks to film a video,” My mum said.

“Yeah,” I mumbled noncommittally. I heard my mom sigh through the phone before she said her goodbyes telling me to call her sometime later this week. I signed off, flopping backwards on my bed and staring out the window. 

It was getting darker, probably around 6pm by now. I closed my eyes, relaxing into the bed when my door burst open again, causing me to open my eyes.

“Get up, Caspar, we’re going clubbing,” Joe said as Oli let out a loud whoop behind him. 

I didn’t really feel like going clubbing, but I sat up and followed them out the door, grabbing my cell phone and putting it into my pocket.

By the time the boys decided on a club, we’d been wandering around the city for over thirty minutes and I was so tired and uninterested I was tempted to just turn around and go back to the flat and sleep off this god awful day.

The club they picked was loud, with bright flashing lights and girls swarming all over the place. Joe and Oli immediately headed to the bar, while Marcus and I sat down. Marcus still had his camera in his hand.

“Do you ever leave that at home?” I asked him with a laugh, trying to distract myself from the pretty blonde Joe now had his hand wrapped around. That was quick.

“Never, what would my viewers do,” Marcus said with a joking grin as he set it down on the table. A waitress approached our table and Marcus ordered a beer while I watched Joe and Oli make there way towards the dance floor. The girl turned around and started grinding on Joe and I grimaced as I watched them turning back to the waitress and Oli who were both staring at me expectantly.

“Well, what would you like, love?” The waitress asked with a smile, tapping the pen on her small red notepad.

“Uh—water, yeah water is fine,” I said distractedly glancing back over to Joe and Oli. Oli was on the dance floor, doing the robot with one hand, the other clutching a drink above his head. I rolled my eyes, watching Joe press tighter against the girl, whispering something in her ear that made her giggle.

“He’s gonna need something stronger than water,” I heard Marcus mutter under his breath. The waitress laughed glancing over at me as I turned to look at him.

“Shut up, Marcus,” I mumbled back dropping my head on the table to avoid looking at Joe and his new toy. My head made a clanging noise and I heard Marcus tell the waitress to bring me something strong. I continued banging my head on the table. Why was I jealous? What was this feeling?

I heard the waitress set down our drinks and I looked up, taking a sip of the bitter liquid in the glass with a sigh. I stared down at the strange clear liquid intently, curious what it was. When I looked up to ask Marcus his eyes were wide as he stared into the crowd, I frowned at him.

“What?” I asked Marcus, confused as I turned to stare into the crowd. Then I saw it, Joe pressed tightly against the blonde girl, a red head behind him as he kissed the blonde girl. He turned around to kiss the redhead, eyes open as they met mine across the room as he smirked at me before leaning into kiss her. My hand tightened around my cup reflexively, as I tore my eyes away from him feeling sick.

Marcus was eyeing me worriedly as I pushed my glass forward on the table standing up.

“Uhh—I’ve gotta, I have to, I’m not feeling well,” I mumbled grabbing my jacket and rushing toward the exit of the club, pushing past the couples pressed tightly against each other, the club’s air stifling as I burst outside into the cool night air, inhaling deeply as I turned back to the club and put my jacket hood up before moving down the sidewalk, blending into the other dark silhouettes of broken, sad people who wandered away from the club and down the sidewalk into the night.


	4. Drunk Joe and Sober Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Caspar appreciates the silence of nighttime before Joe comes home and ruins everything with three simple, possibly-sober-but-he's-probably-still-drunk words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's past midnight and I just wrote an update. I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now...I hope this sounds as good tomorrow morning as it does to my sleep deprived brain at the moment, but here you go anyways!!!

One of the most beautiful things about night is the silence. In a city of blinding lights and blurred faces, the one constant thing is always the shockingly silent atmosphere. Like somehow you can be surrounded by hundreds of living, breathing people and yet feel completely, and utterly alone in the world.

I think silence is one of the most shockingly beautiful, yet one of the saddest sounds. Because it isn’t a sound exactly, just a metaphor. Silence. It represents the young girl on the sidewalk gripping a quilt with tear streaks still forging a line down her cheek, bleeding hopelessness and despair in one single tear drop.

The man who strums his guitar, his voice mournful, and angry at a world that took too many things from him too quickly.

The silence of the girl at a club, blocking out the world with cup after cup of bitter liquid, blurring the nighttime and passing the ticking clock, waiting for something or someone who might make time matter again.

Silence is everything. It’s deadly, its hopeful, its mournful. Its peace and its anger all at once. Silence has always been my favorite part of every morning and of every night. Because the silence is your own, yet it is unchanging.

Maybe its the nighttime making me nostalgic, the dark streets of London so familiar as I walk the same path I’ve walked so many nights before. 

It’s always the same thing, the same boy, making the same mistakes. No, not mistakes. They aren’t mistakes to him, never have been.

It’s always been my own mistake. I think I’ve realized that now, that I am irrevocably in love with Joe Sugg. Maybe I’ve always been. The idea of it has always been there hovering in the outskirts of my mind. My own brain chalking up the touching, the cuddling into some form of friendship in attempt to comfort myself into believing that I wasn’t falling in love with my best friend. 

I mean we live together. How is that going to work now? I can’t just avoid him for the rest of my life. How do you fall out of love with a person you see every single day in your own home?

How am I suppose to live with the realization that I, Caspar Lee am in love with a boy. A boy who has been my best friend for years. My bloody roommate. 

By the time I reached the apartment, it was pitch black outside, the full moon casting shadows along the building. The door clunked open with a dull thud as I shuffled inside, blindly reaching for the light switch by the stairs. The lights flickering on slowly, my eyes adjusting to the onslaught as I blinked repeatedly. 

I felt incredibly tired as I moved over to my room, collapsing into bed, not even bothering to change my clothes. My eyes closing as soon as my head touched the pillow.

It must have been a few minutes or maybe hours when I woke up, blinking blearily about my bedroom. There was a noise in the front room, before I heard another crash and what sounded like something breaking. Great. I hope we aren’t getting robbed.

I couldn’t even remember if I locked the door when I came inside. Oh well. Maybe it was Joe. I waited a moment, debating on whether I should get up and go attack the robber or just wait it out and hope the robber went away.

I don’t know, I was just so tired and comfy in my bed, the idea of getting up sounded miserable. But then I heard another crash followed by high pitched giggles. Joe.

I got up moving towards the door and into the main room where Joe was standing over a broken lamp. The one Zoe had gotten us for Christmas last year. Good luck to Joe when he had to explain that he’d broken her lamp, or I guess our lamp that was a gift, when he was stumbling around drunk.

I’m sure that’ll go over real well.

“Joe,” I mumbled finally, “What the bloody hell are ya doing?” I questioned moving towards the counter so I could see the time on the clock by the stove. 3:47 A.M. 

“Caspieee” Joe giggled, turning around to stare at me, hair disheveled, and a faint red mark from lipstick splotched on his neck. He seemed so amused with himself, like a five year old.

“You just broke a lamp, Joe,” I said gesturing to the broken pieces that were now scattered about on the ground. Joe frowned cutely at me before looking down, his eyes crinkling in confusion before he looked up at me, a guilty expression on his face.

“Oops,” he said and I rubbed my eyes tiredly.

“Okay, its fine, we’ll deal with it tomorrow, come on let’s go to bed,” I said tugging him by his shirt sleeve over to me. Joe smiled up at me and I looked down curiously at his change in mannerisms. He’d gone from pouting like a toddler to smirking at me again. I swear 0-100 real quick with him. Especially drunk Joe.

I led Joe towards his room, hoping to just deposit him in his room and leave him to sleep off his massive hangover, but the minute I’d gotten him on the bed, Joe was tugging me down next to him.

“Joe, go to sleep,” I said, my eyes drooping as I tried to detach myself from his fingers.

“Sleep with me,” Joe mumbled, grasping at my shirt again and I sighed before sitting down on the bed next to him. Joe smiled slightly, closing his eyes as his hand relaxed. I figured I’d just wait for him to fall asleep and move into my room.

I watched his breathing start to even, but before I could get up and leave, Joe hopped out of bed, hand clutching his mouth as he rushed towards the bathroom. I heard him throw up in the toilet as I groaned. Lovely. 

I walked into the bathroom, grabbing his tooth brush and handing it to him as I watched him frown confusedly.

“Your going to have such a shit hangover tomorrow, mate,” I said and Joe groaned. He appeared to be sobering up slightly as we made our back to the room after he washed his teeth twice. 

Joe climbed back into bed tugging me next to him, and this time I gave in, if anything just to be able to go to sleep, even if it was on his bed instead of my own. Joe shuffled closer to me, curling into me, like a baby koala as he blinked sleepily up at me. 

“Night,” I murmured before his eyes shut. I let out a sigh before closing my own eyes with a groan. He was going to be the death of me I swear to god. I relaxed slightly more, sinking further into the bed as Joe moved again, restless as he tried to get comfortable. I kept still, pretending I was asleep. A few minutes passed and I thought he’d finally fallen asleep when I heard it.

“Night Casp, I love you,” Joe whispered. I tried to keep my body from tensing, tried to fake sleep. Maybe it was completely platonic. In fact, of course it was. We said we loved each other all the time, or we used to at least. It was friendly, like bro-love or something. I figured he was just drunk and that was why he’d chosen now to say it after weeks of tense moments between us. We may have slept in the same bed a few times lately, but it was only because it was cold in our flat, or at least that’s what Joe always said.

The funny thing was, Joe didn’t sound very drunk when he’d said it. In fact, he sounded sober, almost like he meant it.

But then again, its ridiculous. I didn’t want to think about it anymore so instead I let myself drift off into the peaceful dreamland called sleep.


	5. Tan Skin and Hangovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar debates finding someone new, but is still distracted by sun kissed, crinkly eyed Joe Sugg, even if he is hungover and pouting.

I was very glad I had decided not to drink the night before, especially after spotting Oli and Marcus passed out on the living room floor the following morning. 

My morning had already started off rather poorly. I woke up to Joe crouched over the toilet in the bathroom moaning to somebody about how he was "never ever drinking again." We'd all heard that one before, and considering the indignant sputtering that came out after the person's response, I assumed it was probably Zoe he was talking to.

Joe had promised to call her back yesterday, I wasn't surprised she wasn't the least bit impressed by the idea of her brother out getting drunk instead. I probably should have called her back myself and told her we were still planning on visiting her and Alfie in Brighton the following week to film some new videos, but frankly I wasn't sure if I still wanted to go.

I did miss them both and I was excited at the prospect of seeing them again, it was just Joe. Joe and me. On a train, at a house, more time I had to spend with Joe, without a buffer like Oli or Marcus to distract myself.

I mean I love spending time with Joe, it's just the more time I spend with him the more time I start noticing little things about him that I shouldn't notice because I'm a friend. F R I E N D. Clearly, I needed to re-learn the definition of that word, but I didn't even know how to start or who I could bloody talk to that wouldn't tell me to just tell him.

I'm not going to just tell my straight-as-an-arrow best friend that I accidentally fell in love with him. How do even begin to tell someone that. Its hard enough to tell someone you love them for the first time when you've been in relationship, I can't just suddenly announce it out of thin air and expect things to go back to normal. Though, I'm not sure I can just keep pretending I don't have any feelings for him. Because its getting harder to just act natural. 

I suppose the most reasonable thing to do is to find someone new. The problem being if it did happen, and I did find someone new, the likelihood is it would be a guy. Which leads to the issue of telling everyone I like guys, which I've only shortly begun to embrace that fact, and I don't want to go around labeling myself gay or bi-sexual or anything else before I'm positive. 

Plus, then I'd have to tell my family and friends, some of whom I think already suspect something, but there might be some who don't like it. And fans, viewers, what am I suppose to tell them, and how do I tell Joe something like that.

The entire thing is a mess. I decided to get up from the bed, before I could find something else to worry incessantly over and just get Joe a glass of water and some aspirin. Just because I was in love with him didn't mean I wanted to listen to him moan and groan about his bloody hangover all day. 

By the time I made it back into the kitchen, Marcus had turned and face planted into the carpet, not moving just making dying whale noises. Oli was facing upwards with a pillow over his face to block the light.

"Morning boys," I screeched just to annoy them further. As I walked past them I felt the corner of the pillow that had been over Oli's face, hit the back of my legs and I let out a laugh. I got out three cups of water and some pills before setting them down next to the two on the floor and making my way back towards my room. 

Joe was back on the bed, sideways, phone still pressed to his ear as he stared at the ceiling. His hair was all rumpled, but he'd changed his clothes. He was now wearing one of the my shirts, which hung low on him, covering part of his boxers and exposed his collarbones and tan skin.

I really wanted to lean over and kiss him, all morning sunlight and softly rumpled clothes and crinkly eyes, but I didn't because that wasn't what friends were suppose to do. Instead of leaning over and kissing him, I handed him the cup of water and the pills. He smiled at me lazily as he sat up, mouthing a thank you at me as he mumbled something to the person on the phone before hanging up.

"Zoe?" I asked, turning away from him so I could avoid the urge to sweep my eyes along his petite body and get lost in his eyes. I walked into the closet and grabbed a shirt tugging it on and digging through the drawer to find a pair of shorts.

"Yeah, she wanted to know if we were still going to Brighton?" Joe said and I glanced over at him to see him watching me, a strange expression on his face.

"Hmm," I mumbled tugging on a pair of pants and grabbing my shoes. When I looked back over at Joe he quickly flicked his eyes back up to the ceiling, a warm reddish color, beginning to appear along his cheeks. 

I ignored it assuming he was just overheated since our flat was stuffy and humid. We'd never gotten around to fixing the air conditioning, speaking of which I really should even though we didn't use it much before.

"Where are you going?" Joe questioned as he trailed behind me back towards the kitchen sitting down at the table next to Marcus, who apparently decided it was time to stop kissing the carpet in our living room.

"Lunch with Connor," I said turning to frown at Joe. I'd told him multiple times over the past week that we were meeting to talk about making a collab video.

Joe was frowning again as I watched him confused.

"Just to make a collab?" Joe asked again and I saw Marcus staring at him strangely.

"No Joe, we're going on a date," I said sarcastically, reaching into the fridge to find the milk. I heard someone cough behind me and looked up, watching Joe choke on his sip of water. 

Oli was muffling his laughter into the palm of his hand as he watched him. 

"Are you okay?" I asked Joe worriedly walking over to the table and Joe nodded.

"Yeah, just went down the wrong way," Joe said as he looked down at the table.

"Okay," I said turning back to my cereal, ignoring the muffled whispers coming from Marcus and Oli.

I left about ten minutes later, calling out an obnoxiously loud good bye to the three inside as I heard Oli swear at me. Joe was still sat at the kitchen table, pouting, I figured his hangover was just making him grumpy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go lovies!!! Enjoy!!!


	6. Broken Microwaves and Lovebites

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe gives Caspar a lovebite and Caspar is just confused about everything. Oli also broke the microwave.

By the time I got home it was nearly three in the afternoon. I opened the door to our flat and noticed the television playing in the background, I also noticed that someone had cleaned up the flat slightly. The pillows had been put back on the couch and someone had decided to clean the dishes from last night.

I walked closer to the couch and noticed Joe was asleep on it sideways, his body curled into a little ball, both hands clutching a pillow. The television was playing some random comedy movie that we'd watched a few weeks ago. I looked around for Marcus and Oli but didn't see any evidence of them in the flat.

I figured they must have left and gone home to nurse their hangovers from last night. I walked back into the kitchen and started making a cup of tea as I turned on my laptop to work on my latest video. I was nearly done editing, I just had to put the finishing touches on it.

A few minutes later when I was crouched over the counter, clicking away I heard Joe stir on the couch letting out a soft groan.

"Caspar," Joe whispered and I looked up startled as Joe moved on the couch slightly, shifting position. 

"Joe?" I asked, confused when I got no response.

Joe was still asleep.

"Caspar," Joe said again and this time his voice was raspier, more seductive almost, as he shifted again on the couch. I frowned as I stared at him.

"Don't stop, Casp," Joe moaned and I stood up straight staring at my best friend in shock. Oh, this was so not going to end well.

"Casp," Joe said and his voice was higher pitched now, but still quiet in the room. His hand moving down his body, causing his shirt to crumple and move, slipping down his shoulder and revealing his collarbones and tan skin. 

I wanted nothing more then to be able to kiss him, press him against the couch and suck a mark under his jaw, hands locked together, breath mingling as we became one. I moved back from the laptop, bumping into the granite counter top, my hands clutching the cool granite, causing my mind to straighten out slightly.

I didn't know if I should wake Joe up when he clearly, well was having some kind of dream, somehow I didn't think it was the friendly, best buddy kind of dream. I wasn't sure if it would be more embarrassing and awkward, or if I should just let it pass and hopefully we would both move on.

Not that the image of Joe turned on and moaning my name was ever going to leave me mind. I think it was probably burned into my subconscious now.

Joe let out an another moan this time and I was almost scared he'd wake himself up and see me, clutching the counter, my face bright red. I was turned on now, but I felt like a creep watching my best friend have a dream about us. 

I glanced at the laptop once more before grabbing it and moving towards my room. Closing the door and letting my back thud against it. How was I suppose to look at Joe the same now? Why had he been moaning my name and not some girls? What was going on?

I slid down to the floor, resting the laptop by my side and groaned, praying my awkward boner would go away before I had to face Joe again.

It was about three minutes before I moved into the desk chair and went back to the video. The only problem was this time my mind was less focused on the video and more on Joe. I felt like slamming my head on the desk multiple times, maybe it would clear my thoughts.

I can't have feelings for Joe. I just can't. I don't like boys. Joe isn't gay. Joe likes girls. Joe doesn't like me. I think I might like Joe.

I was so confused and Joe was not helping the situation. When I moved back to the kitchen eventually to find my abandoned tea, Joe was awake and over by the fridge digging around in it. I scooted awkwardly around him as I reached for my cup.

"How was the meeting with Connor?" Joe said and his voice had a sharp edge to it which made me frown.

"Fine," I replied taking a sip of my tea before almost spitting it out due to how cold it had gotten. I moved over towards the microwave before placing my tea inside. Joe was quiet behind me, but my skin still tingled at his presence. 

"Just fine?" Joe asked. 

"Yeah, we're filming a collab video sometime, probably a prank or something. He had some funny ideas." I said, not turning to look at Joe as I pressed a button on the microwave getting frustrated when it wouldn't start. I stabbed at the button again, confused. Of course the microwave chooses now to break.

"Do you like him?" Joe asked and I ignored him slightly moving past the microwave to the plug in the back, leaning over the counter to plug it in. Who unplugged the stupid microwave? Probably Oli or Marcus as a joke. I smiled in success as I turned back to the buttons. 

"Uh huh, Joe, sure he's a nice guy, you've met him before," I replied distractedly, my back still turned to Joe as I tried to get the microwave to start. It didn't start. It just started making a weird buzzing noise. I frowned again, wondering if Oli had broken it and then decided he'd pretend he didn't. Stupid Oli, breaking my house.

Suddenly I felt a body press up against mine, goosebumps erupting along my arm at the contact. I looked back at him briefly, confused at how Joe was acting.

"Oli broke the microwave," I said randomly, trying to distract myself from the fact that Joe was practically plastered against my back, caging me between him and the counter.

Joe didn't speak just pressed his lips gently against my neck, causing me to flinch slightly. What the heck was Joe doing? My neck tingled where he had pressed his lips against it, biting softly at the skin as I leaned back into him, my eyes fluttering closed at the motion as Joe sucked at the soft skin between my neck and shoulder, his warm body pressed against mine. All thoughts of the broken microwave flooding away from me as I felt Joe tentatively let his tongue run along my skin where he had bitten it, soothing the skin as I held my breath trying to stop myself from moaning. 

Joe's hand moved from the counter, traveling to my hip and digging into the fabric of my shirt as he held me in place as he continued to suck at the mark on my neck. My legs felt like jelly as I briefly wondered what the heck was going on? 

Joe pressed a gentle kiss to the skin before lifting his head as I stood frozen.

"You're mine," he whispered as I felt my heart stutter slightly in my chest. Joe let out a laugh as he released me and moved back towards the counter grabbing his glass of juice and grinning jokingly at me as I turned to look at him, barely noticing the beep of microwave behind me as I watched Joe disappear into his room, closing his door behind him.

What the hell just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow update I wasn't sure how to write this. I really hope it's not as awkward as the first time I wrote it...I have no clue what I'm doing...opinions? Advice??


	7. Friend's don't kiss friends (or do they)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaspar is confusing.

I had been too hyper to do much other than go into my room and hide from Joe after the neck-kissing-microwave incident. My skin still felt like it was on fire, the place on my neck still tingling like Joe's lips were still attached.

Holy crap. Joe's lips had been on my neck. Joe gave me a love-bite. I felt like a teenage girl, stomach bubbling over with butterflies as I clamped a hand down over my mouth before I did something as embarrassing as let out a squealing sound like a girl who's crush just talked to them for the first time.

I flopped back into my bed, sinking into the duvet cover as I pulled the laptop closer to me. I waited for the laptop to power up, groaning as I watched the gray dots load. Joe thought it would be funny during our prank war to jump out of the closet and scare me, as a result I tripped over the camera stand with the "hidden" camera and dropped the laptop into the blow-up kiddy pool he had set up in my bedroom.

Really, it'd just been one of those pranks gone wrong. So wrong we didn't even post it because most of the video consisted of me swearing at Joe, Joe laughing and then both of us going deathly silent as we watched my Apple Laptop drown itself in the kiddy pool. When I pulled it out we'd both been happy when it had turned on.

Good thing, it turned on. Bad thing: It took fifteen minutes to turn on now. I still think Joe owes me a new laptop. Friends don't break other friends expensive technology and then walk away leaving pranked friend with a half drowned laptop and a blow up kiddy pool full of water.

Good thing Joe wasn't just a friend to me. He was more like a...man friend...man crush...a crush. This sounded like middle school. My brain was the equivalent of a middle school girl. Lovely. 

I reached for my phone on the side table, pushing the laptop to the side as I clicked on text messages.

Caspar: Oli you broke my microwave.  
Oli: Wasn't me. I blame Joe  
Caspar: Your the one who used it last.   
Oli: I unplugged it  
Caspar: Yeah I'm aware  
Oli: Soz  
Caspar: wtf does soz mean  
Oli: Sorry   
Caspar: No one uses that word  
Oli: Payback for breaking the microwave  
Caspar: You broke the microwave  
Oli: Exactly so you should pay for it.  
Caspar: That makes no sense  
Oli: It makes all the sense  
Caspar: I'm done talking to you  
Oli: Go kiss Joe or something  
Caspar: I'm never talking to you again  
Oli: hahahahaaha  
I rolled my eyes tossing my phone on the floor in annoyance before hopping up to make sure my phone was okay after I'd just thrown it. By the time I got back to the bed my laptop had loaded. I ignored the twitter notifications, opting instead to scroll through tumblr in my boredom.

I clicked through some tag about me and Oli before the tag Jaspar popped up. I moved the mouse towards it, pausing for a moment while hovering over it before clicking it.

Up popped thousands of posts about Joe and I. I scrolled down, slowly becoming more curious. I hadn't been on this tag in awhile and I was surprised to see even more people examining our every move in gifs.

I shut the laptop with a dull thud, laying back in bed and staring at the ceiling, my eyes drifting shut as I let myself sink further into the plush mattress.

Sleep was good. Sleep meant no thinking about Joe.

\----

When I woke up later I sat up in bed groaning. I had dreamed about Joe. Stupid Joe. I hopped out of bed walking towards the kitchen, surprised to see Joe in there perched on one of the bar stools, phone against his ear.

"Yes, Zo, I said we're coming," Joe said and he sounded annoyed as he drummed his fingers on the counter.

"No, I already told you. He doesn't know." It was quiet for a moment, but I could tell Zoe said something he didn't like because his fingers froze, muscles tensing.

"Why the blasted hell would I do that? I'm not daft."

Joe had started tapping his foot against the ground in annoyance as he replied, "I think your wrong." 

I laughed silently to myself as I watched him. Whatever Zoe was telling him he clearly wasn't too happy with. I wondered if it had something to do with the video they were going to film when we went to visit them.

I cleared my throat, announcing my arrival in the kitchen as Joe startled, whipping around to look at me. 

"How long have you been there?" Joe demanded.

"Long enough to know all your secrets lover boy," I teased ruffling his hair as I walked by him. Act normal Caspar. Normal. Why did you just ruffle his hair? He has really soft hair. I wonder what it would feel like to kiss him against the counter, tangle my hands into his hair, if he would kiss me ba-

I realized Joe was talking again as I tuned back into real-life, leaving fantasy land behind.

"-leaving at seven, so I told Zoe that would be there. I mean I don't know why she even suggested it in the first place." Joe said.

"Huh?" I asked confused.

Joe froze looking at me strangely. "Alfie and Zoe have a plumbing leak in there kitchen and she was telling me we had to find something to do out of the house when we visit because workers are tearing up the floor." 

"Oh- Yeah, cool, that's fine," I said as I leaned against the counter. 

"Anyways, did you pack yet?" Joe asked looking down at his phone as he took a sip of tea from his mug.

"Pack?" I asked. I really wondered how we were acting like it was nothing. Was Joe pretending it never happened? Was it better this way?

"Yeah, we have to leave at six tomorrow if we want to make the train. Caspar, are you even paying attention to me?" Joe asked looking up at me.

"Uh huh," I mumbled. He had really nice lips. The kind that you just kind of want to lean forward and kiss, tug the lower lip between your teeth and pull them closer. They were cherry red and I wondered if he'd been working on a video, or just chewing on them like he does when he's nervous.

"Your acting strange," Joe spoke finally and I looked up. Bad Caspar. Head out of the gutter. No thinking about Joe's soft hair and kissable lips. Focus.

"No- I'm- What- No," I mumbled, stumbling over my words. "You know I'm going to go pack," I said moving back towards my room. I completely forgot about our trip to visit Zoe and Alfie. How was that scheduled for tomorrow? Where had the week gone?

"Casp," Joe started and I turned to look at him. He was chewing on his lip again, fidgeting with his phone in his hand. "About earlier-" He started but I cut him off before he could continue.

I didn't want to hear him say it didn't mean anything. I didn't need to remember those words and how he'd looked at me so pity filled or worse realized I was actually into him and then got creeped out and wanted to move out. He was my best friend.

"I get it Joe, it's fine. We were just joking around," I said and the words felt like acid on my tongue as I said them, trying to keep a straight face.

It was quiet for a moment before Joe spoke.

"-Right, totally." Joe said before he started nodding. "Friends kiss friends all the time." Joe said and then he smiled like maybe he actually believed that ridiculous notion.

"We didn't kiss," I said with a laugh.

"Of course not." Joe said and he was nodding again. "Because we're just friends,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go :D Who else is frustrated with Jaspar? lol :P


	8. Only fools fall for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what you have all been waiting for ;)
> 
> title from FOOLS by troye sivan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated, I have been really busy. Anyways, here is 2000+ word chapter to make up for it (hopefully).
> 
> Also this hasn't been edited, just saying...

I spent the day lounging on Oli’s couch eating pizza and watching him film his youtube videos. My laptop was spread out on the table, phone chucked on the ground after I got tired of the constant stream of messages from Joe asking when I was coming back. I could see Oli out of the corner of my eye glancing over at me every few minutes. His face was pinched, mouth tight, and I could tell questions were piling up behind his closed lips.

Maybe I should have explained to him why I showed up out of nowhere this morning and landed on his couch. I’m not surprised he has questions, not that I feel like answering them. At least he was being nice about it, letting me be alone and pout.

“Are you ever going to tell me why you’re here?” Oli asked as I turned to stare at him.

“Trying to get rid of me, Oli?” I asked with a laugh as I tapped the keyboard again, trying to convince youtube to upload my latest video quicker. Five hours was ridiculous, I swear.

“Er- not that I don’t absolutely lovvveee your company,” Oli said, turning to face me, “I would really like to know if you and Joe are in fight?”

“Nah- we just needed…I needed a break from it, is all,” I replied, evading his question. I could see his phone lighting up ever few minutes with texts or notifications from twitter. Probably only twitter notifications, I did tell Joe where I was going. It’s not like he cared.

“Joe thinks he did something,” Oli said after a long stretch of silence. I couldn’t help but feel a tiny ounce of joy at the fact that Joe felt bad. I kind of felt like smacking myself in the face after I thought it, but he was always teasing. It wasn’t fair. How am I suppose to get over him if he is always leading me on whenever I think I’m getting over my crush on him.

“We’re fine, Oli,” I mumbled glaring a hole into my computer’s screen.

“Mhmmm,” Oli grumbled under his breath standing up and wandering into the kitchen, letting the conversation die once he realized I wasn’t going to say anything. 

By dinner time I had packed up my bag and was wandering back to Joe and my’s flat. I expected Joe to be at the door demanding to know why I wasn’t answering but instead he was standing in the middle of the kitchen, holding a pot of something with a big fluffy apron on that Zoe had gotten him as a joke.

“What are you doing?” I asked wandering over to the bar stool and sitting down.

“Cooking!” Joe said as he turned towards me a grin on his face. “I made spaghetti!”

“Great,” I said eyeing the noodles. They did appear to be fully cooked and the kitchen wasn’t on fire. Maybe he had googled how to cook it this time instead of putting the noodles in a pot on the stove and walking away. That had gone well the last time. “What exactly inspired your cooking?” 

“I talked to Marcus, and he said whenever Niomi was mad he made dinner,” Joe said turning to face me.

“I’m not mad at you Joe,” I said with a sigh turning to pick up my bag from the floor.

“You’re avoiding me though,” Joe said and when I turned back to face him, his lips were drawn into a pout. He looked like a puppy. I really wanted to go cuddle him.

“I’m just stressed,” I said hoping that Joe would let it go. He frowned at me unhappily.

“You’ll have to tell me eventually,” he said, “You tell me everything,” The way he mumbled the last bit made me think he was trying to convince himself more then me.

I tell him everything but one thing. He doesn’t need to know that though.

“It’s fine, Joe, were good.” I said as he wandered over, handing me a plate of spaghetti. “This actually smells good,” I said with a smile.

“You sound surprised,” Joe said mock offended.

“Do you remember the firefighters and the smoke smell from your last cooking adventure?” I asked turning towards him with a teasing grin.

“I’m getting better,” Joe said defensively, scrunching his nose up at me. I laughed turning back to the food. Joe seemed to be appeased now that we were talking. It’s fine, everything will be fine. We spent the rest of the night watching youtube videos before going to bed, my conversation with Joe running through my mind.

————

The morning sun was nearly blinding when I woke up. I was sprawled horizontally on my bed, head hanging off one side, neck bent at an uncomfortable angle. I shifted, squinting blearily for a moment before blinking my eyes, trying to get rid of the silver sports dancing along the edge of my vision.

I let out a groan, moving to sit up and glancing around at the mess of blankets tangled around my legs. My laptop was at the end of the bed, charger buried partially under the comforter, my phone nowhere to be seen.

I really needed to clean my room. It looked like an explosion had occurred in it, clothes strewn all over, duffle bags half-packed, and presents from the last meet and greet scattered along the ground. I felt around in the bed, searching for my phone. I found it after a minute, grinning victoriously as I stabbed at the home button, frowning when it wouldn’t turn on.

Stupid phone.

I stumbled out of the bed moving towards the door, groaning when my foot got caught in a strap from the duffle bag. I hopped swinging my arms about as I tried to detangle it, the flailing causing the strap to tighten and twist. My arm smacked into the lamp on the bedside table as I reached forward to catch it before it fell and broke.

“Caspar?” Joe called as I heard him move down the hall closer to my room. Clearly I had woken him during my battle with the duffle bag.

“I’m good,” I called, “Hold on- Oh shit,” I mumbled as the lamp crashed to the ground.

The door swung open revealing a sleepy Joe.

“What are you doing?” he asked, eyebrows raised, an adorable, sleepy expression on his face.

“I’m good, just a little stuck,” I said reaching down to untangle the bag. I moved, lifting my foot as I tripped on a shoe crashing forward, arms swinging widely as I toppled over. Joe reached out to hold me upright, which only resulted in us both crashing to the floor halfway out the door. 

It was quiet for a moment as I stared at him beneath me, my face heating up in embarrassment. I felt him shift below me as I realized I was crushing him under my weight.

“Hi,” Joe breathed, letting out a rush of air.

“It was an accident,” I blurted, raising up slightly as I looked down at him.

“Clearly,” Joe said sarcastically, grinning up at me, a playful twinkle in his eyes.

I moved up, shifting so I was on top, balancing my weight on my hands, but before I could get up he grabbed my arm. I stilled, looking down at him as he latched his arms around my neck, moving his legs around my body like a koala.

“Really?” I said, pulling back in surprise as Joe toppled us over with a loud laugh, landing on top of me, grabbing my wrists and holding them above my head. He leaned down, nose rubbing against my cheek, wide smirk on his face as I stared up at him with wide eyes. He moved down, tracing a trail towards my ear as hot air brushed gently against my ear, stirring the hair there, and causing my breath to catch in my throat.

“I win,” he whispered before letting out a cackle as he released me, falling onto his back next to me. I wasn’t sure what he “won” exactly, but I swear normal friends don’t do that. 

“Who said you won?” I asked teasingly, turning my head to face him. Joe turned to look at me, raising his eyebrows with a smile.

I moved reaching over to grab him, pinning him to the ground, knees on either side, as he stared up at me, eyes blown wide.

“Gotcha,” I said, enjoying the surprised look on his face. My eyes traced his face down to his lips that he was biting, looking up at me through his eyelashes.

“Caspar,” he whispered, breathlessly, eyes scanning my face.

“Joe,” I replied, my eyes flickering between his eyes and lips as I shifted forward. I was so close, our lips nearly touching as I paused, centimeters between us, trying to gauge his reaction.

Joe looked up at me for a moment, and I saw a flicker of something in his eyes, almost like he was expecting me to pull away and laugh, like it was a joke.

It was silent in the apartment as we stared at each other. I let out a breath deciding I might as well just kiss him. I moved forward my lips brushing lightly against his when the door to the flat slammed open. I jerked back, my head snapping up to stare at the intruder.

Connor stood staring at us.

“My eyes,” he screeched jokingly slapping a hand over his eyes and turning to stumble backwards toward the door smacking into Marcus who was holding a bag of takeout and a vlog camera.

Oli was bent over with his hands on his knees laughing to himself like a mad man.

“Well…Well… what do we have here boys?” He teased, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

I yanked away from Joe standing up and turning to face them. 

Thanks a lot guys.

“Why are you here?” I asked bending down and yanking the strap of the duffle bag off. Marcus moved towards the kitchen as Joe and I followed. Connor had part of his head in the freezer searching for an ice pack. Apparently he had run into a wall running around with a hand on his eyes.

Brilliant. Thank goodness we’re all youtubers, honestly.

Marcus was staring at me, eyebrows raised questioningly. I shook my head, knowing he was trying to ask if I had told Joe about my…feelings. That would be a no.

Oli reached for the plates walking over to the bag and grabbing a box out of it. I rolled my eyes at them. Barging into the flat with no warning. Speaking of which-

“How did you get in?” I asked curiously.

“I have a key,” Oli said with a grin. I turned to glare at Joe, before realizing I still didn’t know if he was mad at me. Joe shrugged sheepishly turning to dish up some food from the box before Oli ate it all. 

I groaned watching as they moved out of the room towards the dining area. I reached for a plate turning to open the boxes when I noticed Joe hadn’t moved from his spot next to the sink. I raised my eyebrows at him in confusion.

Maybe he was regretting our almost-kiss. What if he hates me now? He didn’t kick me out of the flat. This is going to ruin our friendship, I just know it.

I turned around to stare at him, the silence freaking me out. Usually, Joe would at least have something witty to say to avoid the tension. Joe was simply staring at me, a contemplative look on his face.

I could feel the tension mounting between as I watched Joe have a mini debate with himself, multiple expressions flickering across his face.

Finally, his face relaxed as he burst forward, grabbing my t-shirt and pulling me forward so we were chest to chest. He tugged my shirt, crushing our lips together. I froze in shock before my eyes flickered close and I relaxed into him, my lips moving against his. I tried to slow it down, but Joe made the kiss fierce and passionate. I tasted sugar and chocolate and I briefly wondered what bag of food Joe had been eating from because I only found eggs. The thought escaped my mind as I lost myself in the kiss.

My hands moved to grab onto his hips backing us up so he was leaning against the fridge, his hands shifted, one hand gripping my shirt like part of him was worried I was going to pull back, the other moving up to my hair to tangle his fingers in it.

Any thoughts of the other boys or food were gone, replaced with the taste and smell of Joe as he pressed up against me.

A cough echoed in the kitchen, breaking us apart as Joe stood against the fridge, breathing harshly as we turned to look at Marcus. Marcus eyed me for a moment and I could tell he wanted to say something, but kept quiet because Joe was there. Instead he grabbed the bag and disappeared into the living room. I moved away from Joe with a grin, grabbing my plate and going into the other room, sending a smirk over my shoulder at Joe.

Joe came in a few minutes later, setting his plate down and leaning his head down to whisper in my ear while the others were busy arguing about who got the last of the sausage.

“Later,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that? I hope it wasn't to rushed, I'm trying to get used to writing kiss scenes because I find it difficult, hopefully they aren't awkward. :p


	9. Revenge Of The Mop and The Food Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caspar doesn't know what to think of Joe and his relationship. Oli is a noisy food fight starter and Marcus likes to think he's insightful. Also Oli stole a mop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!!! I'm not sure how bad this chapter is. It seems kind of choppy in some places (sorry) but if anything maybe it's funny??? Yeahh...anyways thanks for reading I love all of you! xx

Joe was staring at me from across the table. I could feel his eyes on my face as I took a sip of the apple juice in front of me. When I turned to glance over at him his mouth titled upward into a small smirk.

I looked away from him, back towards the others. I was confused why Joe had chosen to sit across from me when he could have sat down right next to me. But then again, maybe I was just over thinking it. 

I didn’t want to be clingy. I mean we’d just kissed. In the kitchen. Oh god. This was never going to work. My eyes drifted back toward the other’s who were sitting farther down the table, a frown forming on my face. I mean what would they think? What would the fans say if they found out?

What if Joe just wanted to be friends?

Friends with benefits?

Could I do that? Could I have him in the bedroom and just be friends outside of that? 

The atmosphere in the room seemed to change. It felt strange, like everything was fading, blending into this foggy, blurry mirage as I bit down on my lip, worrying it between my teeth.

I didn’t realize my hand had started to shake until the metal tines of my fork knocked into my plate. My soggy, half-drowned, waffle still lay uneaten in the middle of it. 

I felt a foot brush against my leg as I ripped my eyes away from the fading piece of paint on the table realizing I’d been glaring at it for who knows how long.

Joe was looking at me again, his eyebrows crinkled together to form the most confused puppy-dog expression I’d ever seen.

“Are you okay?” He asked, leaning forward slightly in his seat.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, forcing a smile onto my face. Joe frowned, eyeing me curiously before going back to his breakfast.

I cut up the waffle stabbing one of the pieces and shoving it in my mouth to avoid looking at the others.

“So, Caspar and Joe, anything to share?” Oli asked, interrupting my thoughts, a teasing lilt to his voice as he shifted his attention to our side of the table. I glared at him in annoyance, unsure how to respond.

“Oh god no, please don’t share details,” Connor groaned slamming his head down on the table with a laugh.

“No, please do,” Oli said wiggling his eyebrows in a teasing manner.

Marcus was silent, his face closed off, expressionless, and yet not angry, just like he couldn’t figure us out.  
I wish he would stop. Actually, I wish they all would. Like it wouldn’t be hard enough to talk to Joe without the others making him feel self-conscious. 

“No, nothing,” I said finally when I realized Joe wasn’t going to respond to the question, instead opting to shove more of his breakfast in his mouth, his eyes glued to his plate in pretend fascination.

Oli was frowning now as he held his vlog camera up, prepared to film Joe’s reaction to the question even though the viewers would have no idea what we were talking about.

Joe turned to face Oli suddenly, tossing an orange slice at him which smacked into Oli’s camera. Oli let out an offended yelp in surprise as he started to whine about how it was a new camera and demand Connor to revenge it. Connor picked up a grape and tossed it at Joe lightly, smacking his cheek. Joe’s face shifted back to his usual smirk as he picked up a piece of his waffle and chucked it towards Oli who was scrubbing at the lens of his camera angrily. 

Oli grumbled something at Joe before pushing the camera aside and tossing the waffle back at Joe. I ducked as a full on food fight started. Rolling my eyes, I successfully dodged a spoonful of eggs that came flying towards me from Connor self-made spoon catapult and headed towards the kitchen doors.

A pancake smacked into the wall next to my head as I turned the corner and let out a sigh, already picturing the pancake shaped stain it would leave behind on our white walls.

Marcus was already in the kitchen holding a bowl of grapes and trying to remove the plastic lid from the whip cream container. He looked up at me and grinned as I moved towards the fridge.

“I don’t even want to know,” I said eyeing the whip cream in his hands suspiciously. I tugged open the fridge hunting for the chocolate syrup, because unlike the others I wanted food I could aim if I was going to join the fight.

I was a genius. I knew we had to have some in the fridge somewhere. My hand disappearing into the depths of the fridge, smashing into something squishy. I don’t even want to know what rotten food that was. Joe never emptied the damn fridge.

“Have you talked about it?” Marcus asked, interrupting my search for my battle weapon. I knew he was referring to what Joe and I had been doing earlier. Kissing. I could feel my face turning red as I thought about it. “Like is that a thing?” 

“No…I don’t know. No, maybe, yes.” I said digging through the fridge, keeping my back to Marcus.

“Caspar,” Marcus said and I could hear it in his voice, the soft reprimanding tone that always reminded me Marcus was actually older than Joe and I.

“Well, if it’s going to be a thing then you need to tell him,” Marcus said. It was quiet for a moment as I thought his words over. A triumphant ah-hah sound coming from behind me. Apparently, Marcus had managed to open the whip cream. I don’t understand the purpose of the stupid pull tab, like the whip cream isn’t going to run away or anything.  
“I don’t know Marcus. I don’t know,” I replied quietly spotting the top of the chocolate syrup on the fruit shelf. Stupid Joe. Why is there chocolate on the fruit and vegetable shelf? What is this sorcery?

“Caspar, you need to tell him eventually, you know that right?” Marcus said and I know he remembered the night at the club with Joe.

“I know, okay. I thought it was going to fade but then he just…he kissed me, and now I don’t know.”

“If he asks you to be casual, can you do that?” Marcus asked and I rolled my eyes as I turned to look at him.

“You seem a bit too interested in my sex life Marcus,” I said with a laugh, hoping to lighten the mood in the room. Marcus raised the whip cream, aiming it at me as he grinned.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, Casp,” Marcus replied. I knew that. I did. I understood how it looked to an outsider, but something about the way he just assumed Joe wouldn’t want to be serious annoyed me. Then again, I suppose that’s the same conclusion I’d come to.

I squirted the chocolate syrup at Marcus in an attempt to change the topic. Marcus, thankfully, caught on and aimed the whip cream at me as I ran past him into the main room, diving behind one of the kitchen chairs. Connor was lying on his back in the middle of the floor surrounded by two spoons and covered in food. 

I muffled a laugh as I spotted Oli’s foot from behind the chair on the other side. Marcus walked over to Connor bending down to draw a mustache on Connor with the whip cream. Connor batted at him lazily, reaching around to chuck a spoon at him. Marcus let out a yelp as the spoon smacked into him. I crouched down shuffling towards Oli, aiming with the chocolate syrup. 

Right as I stood up a weight leapt onto my back, reaching up and smacking a pancake down on my head with a loud shriek of laughter.

“Oh come on Joe,” I yelled swatting the pancake off my head as Joe cackled with laughter as he clung to me. I live with a menace I swear.

Oli bent around to chuck something at Joe before tripping on the chair and landing on his butt right next to Connor with a groan.

“Ugh, I surrender. Joe you’re a rotten cheater,” Oli complained, picking an orange slice off his shirt and frowning at him. 

“I will revenge the breakfast food that was sacrificed in the making of this clip,” Oli whispered to his camera as he turned it around to face him and began vlogging again.

Marcus and Connor had disappeared back into the kitchen turning on the sink. There was only the sound of running water and what sounded like whispered thoughts of revenge coming from Oli.

“Our flat is a mess,” I said glancing around at the walls and floor.

“It was worth it,” Joe said sitting down next to me with a grin.

“Let’s see if you still think that when you’re cleaning it up,” I replied turning to look at him with a a laugh.

“You can help,” Joe said crawling towards me.

“Why should I?” I asked, as he approached. 

“Because, you might get a reward,” Joe whispered in my ear with a giggle.

“Kinky,” I joked, shoving him away with a laugh. 

“We’re a mess and you have chocolate on your face,” I said poking his cheek.

“You could always lick it off,” Joe said wiggling his eyebrows around, a sparkle in his eyes.

“I’m not going to lick your face, Joe, what the heck?” I asked with a laugh as I kicked my foot out in front of me.

“Maybe you should just kiss me instead,” Joe said as he leaned forward, grabbing my neck with his hand as I felt my body relax under his touch, stomach dancing. 

Right before our lips touched Oli came charging into the room, a soaking wet mop held above his head like a sword as he charged by us and out the door. An angry, wet, Connor appeared a moment later charging through the flat and out the door after him. Marcus only a second behind him laughing loudly as he chased the others, clearly filming whatever Oli had just done, the door slamming closed behind them.

“What just happened?” Joe asked, confused as he turned to look at me.

“I hope they return the mop,” I said. I don’t know how Joe was going to clean this up without one. Mops are expensive. They can’t steal a mop. I opened my mouth to yell after them when Joe interrupted me, smashing our lips together in a kiss.

“The mop,” I whined as he broke away, my brain foggy.

“I’ll buy you a new one,” Joe promised as we collapsed backwards on the floor, Joe crawling on top of me, all thoughts of the mop leaving my mind.


	10. I'll Always Follow You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the problem is Caspar will always follow Joe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I am alive, I've just been very busy. Hopefully you like this chapter, though I know it will be frustrating to a lot of you. Sorry.

Something about Joe was intoxicating. When he was kissing me it was like all my thoughts went fuzzy, nothing mattered except the touch of his lips against mine and the feeling of his hands as they skimmed down my side to pull my shirt off.

I laughed against his lips as Joe let out a frustrated huff as he tried to yank the shirt up, one of the sleeves catching on my shoulder. I arched upwards, allowing him to pull the fabric away from me. He tossed it somewhere over my shoulder, a brief flash of fabric as it fluttered to the ground beside the couch.

I pushed his shoulder, rolling us over so I was on top, pinning him to the ground as I grabbed his shirt, tugging on it.

“Off,” I mumbled as I attempted to pull it off without detaching our lips for more than a few seconds. Joe yanked it off throwing it a random direction as his hand reached up to twist in my hair, pulling sharply for a moment and then relaxing as an embarrassing moan left my lips. 

I could feel my cheeks go bright red as I tensed on top of him. Joe let out a laugh as he flipped us over again landing on top as he trailed kisses from my collarbone to my ear. He shifted again so he was straddling me and I could feel him rock against me teasingly.

“So I guess that’s a thing for you,” Joe said with a laugh as I swatted at him, embarrassed. 

“Shut up, Joe,” I grumbled as Joe bit lightly at the skin on my neck causing me to jerk in surprise.

“Joe,” I whined as I moved my hands from his hair to brush over his abs, feeling them clench under my fingertips as I traced the lines of his stomach to the top of his jeans, his Calvin Klein boxers visible.

Joe was busy, all his focus directed toward sucking a mark into the side of my neck.

“What are you a vampire?” I asked with a breathless laugh as I slid my finger through one of his belt loops tugging him closer to me. I could feel Joe grin into the side of my neck as he turned to kiss me again.

This time it was softer though, slower, his lips moving almost gently against mine, a kind of breathless feeling of joy bubbling up inside me.

It felt strange.

It felt like love.

I froze slightly, my eyes blinking open to stare at Joe. Joe’s eyes opened as he felt me freeze up. 

I never realized how strange it was to kiss someone with your eyes open. 

Joe seemed confused and closed his eyes again, pressing his lips firmer against mine again. I sighed slightly relaxing back into the kiss, but a part of me kept wondering if I was imagining it.  
Like maybe I wanted it to be love so much that I was being blinded by an idea, this dream of how I wished Joe and I could be.

Joe slowed down again, his lips brushing against mine, once, twice before he pulled away and flopped onto the floor next to me, leaving me staring up at the ceiling, frozen somewhere between shock and seriously turned on.

“What the hell just happened?” I asked after a couple of minutes staring at the ceiling watching a brown spot of syrup drip onto the floor beside us. How did they get syrup on the ceiling? That takes talent.

“We made out,” Joe said seriously, turning to look at me. I turned my head to look at him, trying to gauge his emotion when he burst out laughing.

“Oh god, we made out,” Joe said before exploding into giggles. I stared at him in confusion before rolling my eyes at his childish behavior when he continued laughing.

The phone rang somewhere in the kitchen interrupting Joe’s laughing fit. No one moved to get it.

I was confused. If Joe kissed me does that mean he likes me? Why is he laughing? Unless he thinks I think it’s a joke and he’s trying to laugh it off.

Why are boys so confusing?

The phone rang again as I leaned up on my elbows to look over Joe’s body for the phone at the dinning table. It was my phone that was ringing. Joe had stopped laughing now as was simply staring at the ceiling with a grin on his face.

Sometimes I question his sanity.

I got up, attempting to step over Joe, who apparently had decided to lay on the floor and never move again. Joe latched onto my ankle, nearly tripping me over as I turned to stare down at him curiously. The shrill ringtone echoing in our flat as I locked eyes with Joe.

“We’re friends,” Joe started, before pausing. It was silent as the phone stopped ringing leaving us blanketed in awkward silence as the word “Friends” repeated over and over again in my mind.

“I know,” I finally whispered, turning to look away from him. Joe bit his lip, opening his mouth and then snapping it closed as the phone started ringing again. 

I groaned turning to walk towards the table and pick it up.

“What?” I snapped at the person on the phone.

“Why doesn’t anyone pick up their phones?” Alfie snapped back, irritation and stress in his voice. I crinkled my eyebrows in confusion, wondering what the heck Alfie’s problem was.

I was having a crisis.

A Joe shaped kissing crisis. The world might be ending. 

“Sorry,” I said, “I-We..were a little bit busy,” I said.

I could hear Alfie pacing around through the phone. “What’s up with you?” I asked.

“Zoe’s in the hospital.” Alfie spoke, his words jumbled as another voice spoke in the background.

“What?” I asked, turning to look over at Joe.

“Look- Joe’s not picking up his phone, but I think-I think you guys need to come. Zoe was in a car crash this morning and she’s in surgery.” 

“Okay…Okay, I’ll tell Joe,” I said scrambling over to my computer on the table to close it and shove into my bag and grab a piece of paper to write down the hospital name before hanging up.

“Look, Joe-we need-“ I said turning to glance at him. Joe was standing a couple of feet away with his arms crossed.

“Caspar, we need to talk,” Joe said.

“Not right now, Joe, Alfie called Zoe’s in the hospital, where’s your phone?” I asked.

Joe froze staring at me.

“What do you mean she’s in the hospital? Why the hell didn’t Alfie call me?” Joe demanded, fishing around in his pockets for his phone.

“You weren’t picking up because we were…distracted,” I said. Joe was half ignoring me at this point shoving the pillows back on the couch as he made to walk downstairs, hands clicking away at his phone.

“We need to go,” Joe said, his face pale, “I just need to grab some clothes, are you coming?” Joe asked.

“Yeah…Yeah, I’m coming.” I said turning to follow him. I’d always follow him. I’m beginning to wonder if that’s the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Zoe *hides behind a rock*, no one kill me. Also I can't write any sexy scenes without laughing so I apologize for whatever the heck that was at the begining :P


	11. Maybe One Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe and Caspar travel to Brighton to see Zoe.

The train ride to Brighton was quiet. Joe sat across from me, foot bouncing against the bottom of the train car, one hand clutching the leather material of the seat as he hunched forward to stare out the window. I stared at him, opening my mouth before snapping it closed again.

I really wanted to ask him what we were. If we were a "we" even, but I knew it was the wrong time. Part of me was a bit mad at Zoe. That thought made me want to smack myself though, as I turned to look at my phone. I felt selfish for putting my own emotions over the fact that Zoe was injured enough to be hospitalized. It was selfish.

Luckily the train ride was only an hour before we were pulling up to the train station in Brighton. Brighton is always cooler than London due to its close proximity to the ocean and I shivered beneath my thin jumper as we waited for the taxi to arrive. Joe's hair was windblown, but he didn't acknowledge his hair or the goosebumps lining the top of his arms, instead he stood stock still, arms crossed protectively over his body and stared at the water running through the gutter at the edge of the sidewalk.

I'd tried to tell him when we were packing to bring a jacket but I don't think he'd been listening as I rushed around throwing things into a duffle bag. It'd only been a little over an hour ago when I had packed part of my own duffle and wandered into his room to see if he had my phone charger. He'd been sitting on his bed staring blankly at a pile of shirts and jeans that were on the ground.

His face had been a blank mask, no emotions visible and it had scared me. We didn't know anything about Zoe's prognosis but I knew Joe was assuming the worst. I had shoved his clothes in my own duffle as he tried to call his dad on the phone before we had made our way to the train station.

I knew I should have grabbed a coat for him, but it had freaked me out when he wasn't responding to anything I was saying. He had left a message for his dad and stayed mute the whole time.

A taxi pulled up in front of us jerking me out my reverie as I moved forward to open the door. Joe climbed in, eyes staring out the window as he completely ignored me.

I frowned turning towards the driver, "Royal Sussex County Hospital please,"

The driver nodded as he started the car. I watched Joe out of the corner of my eye before sighing and turning away. Clearly me staring at him like a creep was not going to result in an answer. I settled back into the leather seat, preparing myself for the short journey to the hospital.

The driver flipped on the radio in attempt to fill the awkward silence that had engulfed the car.

We pulled up to the front of the hospital and climbed out of the car. I reached for the duffle bag, slinging it over my shoulder as I trailed after Joe through the entrance. The minute I stepped inside I sucked in a harsh breath of sterile air.

I hate hospitals. The only thing in hospitals are sad families and hurt people. I don't know how doctors or nurses can stand to be around it everyday. I'm glad someone can though since their essential to our health, and I'm sure they save people everyday I just hate being inside them.

The walls are too white. The floor too clean.

Joe was talking to some lady at the front desk, her hair twirled up into a large bun on the top of her head as they talked in soft voices. I glanced around awkwardly, trying to avoid making eye contact with any of the people stuck in the plastic chairs near the window.

One couple caught my eye. It was two men, both with graying hair. The one man had a bright blue cane resting against the side of his chair. What caught my eye though was that they held hands, knees resting against each other. One of the men had his hand resting on the others leg as he gripped his hand tightly, the flash of a silver ring on his left hand. They sat as close as they could possibly get through the arms of the chairs. One of the men looked up and met my eyes and I quickly glanced away.

I didn't want to stare at them. I'm sure they thought I was some stupid homophobic person. It made me sad that people like that even existed. I turned back towards Joe walking up behind him. Joe started to back up into me as I reached my hand out, steadying him.

Joe turned to look at me as the lady behind the desk spoke, "She's in surgery currently, but there is a separate waiting room beyond those doors."

I nodded as Joe turned to walk towards the door. He paused for a moment looking back at me and for the first time I saw a hint of some emotion playing behind his eyes. He took a deep breath and held out his hand. I walked forward, grasping it tightly as I stared back at him. A quiet acceptance that this was what he needed right now.

Joe let out a little breath of air as his hand tightened against mine and he moved to walk through the doors. I walked beside him, glancing back to thank the women at the desk as my eyes met the eyes of the old man again. His face shifted and revealed a small smile as he looked from my face down to Joe and my's intertwined hands. He turned to whisper something in the other man's ear that caused him to smile. I blushed slightly before I felt Joe tug my hand as we moved through the door and the two old men disappeared.

I wondered how long they'd been together. How they'd overcome everything they had faced. Part of me wished I could have talked to them, but I knew they were probably hear waiting just like Joe and I for some news that could change everything about someone they may know and love, so I pushed the urge to turn around and talk to them away and wandered down the hall with Joe towards another waiting room.

Inside the second waiting room there were only three people. Alfie was one of them, curled up in a chair by the corner with his phone clutched in one hand. He was staring out the window at the cars passing by. We moved closer to him and I cleared my throat to garner his attention. He turned to face us and I could see how red his eyes were from crying.

Joe sat down next to him, "What happened?"

"Drunk driver ran a red light, her car...it- it flipped three times." Alfie choked out as he clenched his hand around the phone. "Who- Who even drinks at this time?" Alfie whispered letting his head fall back against the chair.

Joe turned away from Alfie to stare out the window, clearly trying to process the new information. He had released my hand when he sat down in the chair and I felt odd. I wanted nothing more than to grab onto his hand again, offer him some form of comfort while we waited, but I didn't know what was happening between us and I didn't want to upset him more than he already was.

"Did you reach either of her parents?" I asked after a couple minutes turning to face Alfie again. Alfie nodded his head, "Her dad's on his way, her mum didn't answer,"

I kicked the duffle bag with my foot, moving it to the side so I wouldn't trip on it if I got up later and settled in for the long wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Yes, I'm alive! I'm so sorry I didn't update this - I have no excuse beyond I just didn't know what to write anymore, which honestly is embarrassing but I think I'm over it and ready to finish this book. 
> 
> Three things  
> 1) I googled hospital in Brighton and Royal Sussex County Hospital is the first one that came up. I live in the usa so I have literally no idea about any hospitals in Brighton let alone England so there's my best guess.  
> 2) According to google a trip from London to Brighton is about an hour. Once again I'm going off what I've heard them say in vlogs + google. so sorry if isn't super accurate :P  
> 3) I know some of you might be a little confused by Joe's behavior. I'm confused too and I'm writing him so there's that. I don't know.  
> 4) Hope this isn't cliche but I know it kind of is right now so hopefully you guys don't hate that... what do you guys want me to do with Zoe? I was thinking about having her die (I love zoe so I'd never ever want this to happen in rl) but I think it could lead to some interesting scenes in the book. However, if she dies I'm worried this might be more emotional and less fanficy (is that a word?) and it might be less realistic because Joe would have a hard time with it and it might put Jaspar not in the forefront which is kind of the point of this fic...I'm a little torn?
> 
> Opinions anyone on what I should do or how this is going?


	12. Bad Times Bring Us Together

The clock on the wall was ticking. I could hear it. Or maybe I just thought I could. I was so tired I was probably bordering on delusional at this point. We’d been sitting in the hospital room for hours. Joe hadn’t spoken a single word since Alfie had relayed what happened.

Alfie spent the first hour pacing around the room until one of the women across the room from us had snapped at him to stop please before proceeding to burst into tears. Alfie had gone outside to sit on the curb for awhile after that.

I found it interesting to see how people handle stressful situations. You’ve got the ones that go numb, close off in order to stop themselves from feeling anything whether it be sadness, anger or even sometimes hope.

I think those types of people almost scare me more than the ones that get angry at the world or the ones who sit there and cry.

Once someone has convinced themselves to feel nothing, that’s when they becoming terrifying, because if they can’t feel the sadness then they won’t ever be able to overcome it.

Joe was one of those people.

I was more of the crying variety, and yet I didn’t cry this time. I should have. I adored Zoe, she was one of the kindest, most lovable people I had ever met and she was one of the few you tubers I felt hadn’t changed herself so much the old person from five years ago had disappeared completely. She was just Zoe to her friends and family, Zoella to the rest of the world, and yet somehow the two people were the same people.

I never understood why bad things always seem to happen to good people. It’s not fair, and it definitely isn’t right, and yet in situations like this we have no power to change it. 

The opening of the door drew my attention away from my thoughts to the doctor. 

“Family for Ms. Sugg?” He asked glancing around the room. I assumed he was looking for Alfie, but since Joe appeared to be counting the dots on the floor in some kind of trance I took it upon myself to raise my hand. I was close enough to family - whatever.

“Hello, where did Mr-“ The doctor paused, glancing down at his clipboard, “Deyes go?” he asked.

“He’s outside right now, do you want me to go get him?” I asked turning around in my seat to look behind me. I could see the side of Alfie’s head on the curb still. 

“Yes- that would be ideal, unless one of you is family?” He asked turning to look at Joe. Joe looked up finally.

“I’m her brother,” he said, and his voice sounded croaky and soft which was one of the most heartbreaking sounds I’d ever heard. I was torn between hugging him and leaving him alone with the doctor. I wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted from me.

The doctor turned expectedly towards me and I began to get up.

“Uh- I’ll go get Alfie I gu-“ I started, and then glanced down. Joe had grabbed my hand pulling me back into the chair I’d been sitting in. His hand wrapped tightly around mine, fingers latching through mine. His hands were cold against mine and I could feel him shaking slightly.

“Or I’ll just er- text him,” I said glancing up at the doctor. The doctor was avoiding looking at our latched hands. I wasn’t sure if it was out of respect for our privacy or disgust at two boys holding hands. Frankly, at this point, I didn’t really care.

The fact that Joe was making a move to seek comfort from me was a miracle. I didn’t want to spook him by drawing attention to the doctor’s odd behavior.

I pulled out my phone shooting off a quick text to Alfie before squeezing Joe’s hand softly. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and I smiled softly at him.

Alfie emerged through the door a couple of minutes later rushing over to us.

“What’s the news? Is she okay?” He asked, bombarding the doctor with questions. The doctor looked more in his element now, like he was used to this behavior and began addressing us calmly.

“Zoe is out of surgery now, it went very well. The bleeding appears to have stopped in her brain. All we have to do is wait and see if she wakes up. Then she will be able to tell us how she feels…” the doctor trailed off and I glanced at the other two. I knew what the rest of the sentence was the doctor was implying indirectly: what she remembered.

Joe let out a sigh of relief turning to face Alfie whose breathing had returned to normal.

“Thank you,” Alfie said reaching forward to shake the doctor’s hand.

“Yes, thank you,” Joe said, “When can we see her?”

“You can see her now if you’d like. She is stable, but be prepared there is a lot of bruising and tubes currently attached to help her respiration.” The doctor warned, beckoning us forward.

Alfie stood up, Joe following. I let go of Joe’s hand to pick up the duffle bag and shuffled after them down the hall. As we were going through the door a loud voice called out behind me.

I turned around. Joe’s dad had arrived and was rushing towards us.


	13. I'll be your anchor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: panic attack

Joe’s dad stopped near us, reaching out to hug his son briefly before shaking Alfie’s hand in greeting.

“Caspar,” he acknowledged, nodding his head towards me.

“Hello,” I replied.

“How is she?” Mr. Sugg asked turning to face Alfie. Alfie proceeded to relay what the doctor had said to Zoe’s father. Joe was half-listening, anxiously bopping his foot against the floor again. I could tell he wanted to see Zoe in person before he would relax.

The doctor turned around, returning to us and interrupting the discussion Alfie and Mr. Sugg were having as he herded us towards Zoe’s room and out of the hallway.

I trailed behind the rest of the group, my eyes glued to Joe’s back as I catalogued the way he was acting. I needed to be prepared to act however Joe needed after he saw Zoe.

We reached room 12B. The doctor paused, exchanging the clipboard on the back of the door for the one in his hand before proceeding to enter the room. 

The room was all white. Big surprise considering the rest of the hallway. They definitely needed a new interior designer. I also needed to stop the obnoxious little voice in my mind. 

Zoe was on her back on her bed, hair fanned out around her. Part of her head was wrapped in gauze and her eyes were closed, eyelashes brushing the top of her cheekbones. 

Her hands were flat on the bed. The only sound in the room was the tick of the heart rate monitor and the drip of the IV that ran into the wire attached to her arm. 

Alfie made a sound of pain when he saw Zoe. Stepping forward to touch her, and then pulling back like he was afraid if he did touch her she would shatter into glass. 

Zoe’s dad approached the bed, eyes glued to the heart rate monitor as if too constantly reassure himself that she was still breathing.

Alfie leaned over her, knuckles brushing the side of her cheek in a gentle caress. His hand shook as he removed it, reaching for her hand.

The doctor excused himself and exited the room leaving us alone. Joe was standing stock still, staring at Zoe, as if he was willing her to wake up.

Alfie took one of the seats, hand gripping Zoe’s as he stared at her. His eyes were watering slightly as he looked over at Joe and Mr. Sugg. Mr. Sugg reached down to pat Alfie on the shoulder awkwardly, like he wasn’t sure how to go about conveying his own empathy towards Alfie while maintaining his own composure at seeing his daughter in a hospital bed.

Joe’s eyes were scanning over Zoe, eyeing the bruises that were slowly turning purple and the cuts that were bandaged. He made a choked off sound, still not speaking. I set the duffle bags down in the corner, approaching him slowly.

I slid my hand softly into his, gripping it tightly, if only to anchor him to the present.

Mr. Sugg and Alfie were to focused on Zoe to realize what I’d done, thank goodness.

We stood in the room, barely moving, only breathing. I wasn’t sure what we were waiting for, or if someone was praying but I didn’t dare break the fragile silence that engulfed us.

The heart beat monitor picked up suddenly and Alfie and Joe’s heads whipped around to stare at it.

It beeped, the lines going up and down erratically as Mr. Sugg hit the panic button on the wall.

I started forward, frozen as the line flatlined. Joe let out a noise of despair, reaching forward to grasp Zoe’s hand.

“No, Zoe, come on,” Joe choked out.

“Zoe, wake up, wake up right now, Zoe. Don’t leave me alone,” Alfie was muttering, voice clouded over in panic.

Nurses pushed in through the door, wheeling a crash cart as they pushed Mr. Sugg out the door. They tugged Alfie away from Zoe, demanding he move so they could help aid her.

Joe gripped her hand, turning to look at me. A wild light shone in his eyes like he couldn't accept that his sister may be dying.

“Mr. Sugg, please leave,” The nurse demanded rushing around Zoe. I was pushed out of the room as another nurse rushed in.

Joe came out a few seconds later, the door slamming shut in front of us, blocking our view of Zoe. Alfie was crying, the kind of sobs a person who doesn’t know what is happening or how the world could be so cruel makes. Mr. Sugg had his head leaning against the wall, eyes closed as if he could block out the world around him.

Joe was still staring at the door. He wasn’t crying. I reached out for him, hoping to offer some comfort to him. The minute he felt me touch his arm he ripped it away.

“Don’t touch me,” Joe snapped, his voice thick with panic. His chest was moving up and down at an accelerated pace, his eyes wide in fear and grief.

“Joe,” I whispered, reaching for him again, trying to pull him away from the door.

“No, no,” Joe said turning around and hitting my arm.

“No, damnit, no,” He yelled lashing out at me as I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into my chest.

“Joe, you need to calm down,” I whispered. He started sobbing then, terrible noises that shook me to the bone as he struggled to stop the panic attack that was overcoming him.

“Joe, come on, look at me,” I said again as I turned him towards me. Joe was still struggling, except now he was clawing at his own throat, trying to let air into his chest.

I grasped Joe’s head in my hands.

“Joe, look at me,” I said again, picking up his hand and placing it on my own chest.

“In and out, shhh… in and out, follow my breathing, it’s going to be okay, you’re going to be fine,” I said. Joe’s breathing was still erratic as he tried to concentrate on mine.

We sunk to the ground, my arms wrapped tightly around him as he stopped struggling. His breathing slightly less irregular as he grabbed my shirt, hiding his face in my sweatshirt as I rocked us back and forth on the ground.

When I looked up at Mr. Sugg and Alfie they were both watching me. Mr. Sugg met my eyes, a knowing spark in his own watering eyes like he’d realized something.

He opened his mouth to say something before snapping it closed again.

Five minutes later the door opened and the nurses came out.

“She’s stable,” One of the nurses said, eyeing Joe and I on the floor with a sympathetic smile.

“We believe it was a reaction to one of her antibiotics. It’s very rare, but she should be alright. The doctor will be watching her closely to make sure the new medications won’t have the same effect.” The nurse said.

“She’s okay?” Alfie asked, wiping his eyes.

“Yes, sir,” The nurse said before walking off down the hall.

The doctor came out of the room. 

“It’s okay if you want to go back in,” he said. Alfie and Mr. Sugg nodded and moved to enter the room. Mr. Sugg looked back down at Joe and I.

“Will this effect whether or not she wakes up?” I asked.

“We don’t know. We can only hope for the best,” The doctor said.

Joe was breathing normally now, but still shaking slightly as he recovered from his panic attack. I ran my hand through his hair as we leaned against the wall. We didn’t need to enter Zoe’s room right now. As long as she was stable, I would sit with Joe for as long as he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have only ever had one panic attack in my life, and no one was there to help me so I hope I did okay conveying it here. I know these chapters have been super angsty. I promise the next chapter will be less sad and also have a kiss or two (though it probably won't be romantic... i have some ideas though that involve Caspar slamming Joe against a hospital wall and making out with him...uhhh...we'll just leave it at that... ;)


	14. Be My Distraction

It’d been three days since Zoe’s heart had stopped and then come back to life. Joe and I had been staying in a hotel in Brighton and spending most of our time at the hospital or with Alfie and Mr. Sugg. 

Zoe hadn't made any progress. Everything was still the same, and her eyes were still not open. Alfie was at home sleeping while Joe sat with Zoe. It was nearing ten o’ clock at night when I entered the hospital. Mr. Sugg was walking down the hallway near Zoe’s room, clutching a steaming cup of coffee. Clearly he intended to take over vigil by Zoe’s bed and send his son home for some rest. 

I smiled at him as I followed him into the room. Joe was on his laptop by Zoe’s bed, he looked up when we entered.

“Any change?” Mr. Sugg inquired, handing his son one of the coffees in his hand.

Joe shook his head, closing the lid of the laptop. 

“Why don’t you go home with Caspar and get some rest?” Mr. Sugg said, “I’ll stay for awhile,”

“No thanks, I’m fine,” Joe said, rubbing at his eyes. He had significant bags under his eyes and he looked rundown and tired.

“Joe, why don’t you co-“ I started, but stopped when he turned to glare at me. I snapped my mouth closed, backing up slightly into the door frame.

“Joe, I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll call you and Alfie immediately if something changes,” Mr. Sugg said, a sense of finality in his voice that left no room for argument. I wasn’t sure Joe had enough energy at this point to argue.

Joe finally gave in. He packed his laptop and trailed after me down the hallway, mouth pinched tight. I was quiet next to him, waiting for him to speak as he we hailed a cab and drove to the hotel.

Once we were inside I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and ready myself for bed. Joe sat on his bed, feet dangling off it as he picked at a thread in the duvet.

I let him alone with his silence as I came out of the bathroom, crossing my arms as I stared at him. Joe avoided my gaze and I let out a sigh, turning to my suitcase and pulling my shirt over my head to exchange it for a different one.

I felt Joe approach me. He was so close to my back I could feel the heat from his body radiating towards me like he was the sun warming me to my bones.

“Joe,” I started turning to look at him. Joe was looking at me with pain in his eyes. All I wanted was to make it go away.

Joe moved forward, lips sealing over mine. It wasn’t a romantic kiss, or even a playful one. Instead, it was one of passion, anger, and grief. It was harsh, like Joe was trying to kiss away his pain.

“Joe,” I said breaking the kiss as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“Sh…” he said as he pushed me against the wall, attempting to pin me with his smaller body. I let him as our mouths crashed back together, hands tangling, as he pressed his entire body against mine.

I let my mind go, ignoring the voice telling me to stop him. Joe was biting at my lower lip now, tugging it between his teeth as I let out a groan. He slid his leg in between mine as he pressed me harder against the wall.

“Joe,” I said again as I pulled my mouth from his, mind flickering back to the present. “We shouldn’t be doing this,” I said. 

I knew we needed to stop. 

I didn’t want Joe to just want me because he needed a distraction. 

I didn’t want him to want me only because he didn’t want to think about what was going on.

“Please, Caspar,” Joe whispered and his voice sounded broken and breathless as he raised his eyes from my mouth to look me in the eye. 

The pain that swirled in his blue eyes made me pause. I waited a moment staring at him, weighing the outcomes if we carried on.

“Please, Caspar, just once,” Joe said as he leaned forward, mouthing at the skin on my neck as whispered into my ear another ‘please’. His hand reached to tangle in my hair, tugging until my neck was stretched out, Joe completely in control. 

I fought to keep my mind rational as Joe continued. I didn’t want it to be ‘just once’. But I was selfish, and I wanted Joe. 

I would always want Joe. Screw it, I thought.

I pressed forward, locking our lips again as I pushed Joe back towards the bed. Our knees caught on the edge of his bed as we tumbled onto it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always your comments and kudos are lovely, thank you all for reading! xx

**Author's Note:**

> Comment or Kudos if you guys want me to continue this! It was just a silly idea I had after watching some of their youtube videos :) Based on a mix of fictional and non-fictional events!
> 
> This fic was written to Troye Sivan's album Blue Neighborhood and Friends by Ed Sheeran hence many of the titles of the chapters are song lyrics.


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